6 Months

6 months is a long time.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about when I became one of those “busy” people. I remember when I started university I had so much free time. I remember watching entire TV shows in a matter of weeks and hanging out in my friends dorms until the wee hours of the night. It was fun, but I was insecure and lacked any real sense of purpose.

But then I can also remember the past two years. Studying in Peru was like a spark that lit me on fire and ever since then my perspective on the world has completely changed. Things started falling into place and in retrospect everything I did was meant to lead me up to where I am now. I started jobs, internships, extra classes, a new language, and I gave myself over completely this new world that I had just discovered. I worked really really hard and I loved every single moment of the time I spent doing those things. But I was tired, all the time and I never never had time to process anything that was happening.

And somehow I think that incessant movement and never being able to catch my breath made me quite controlling. Or self-reliant, but not in good way.

So when it came time to figure out job stuff for next year I just continued in the same way. I was determined to leave for Korea in August and my recruiter told me, from the beginning it was definitely feasible. I had to finish up a research project during the first half of the summer so I wouldn’t be receiving my diploma until June which was cutting in down to the wire for when I could submit my visa documents and still get a teaching position. I would finish my current teaching job and have exactly 10 days to pack my entire life up and move. But I haven’t had any margin in my life in roughly 2 years so surely I’d be able to pull it off right?

Well it turns I was able to pull it off. I was one of the first people to get an interview and I passed it. I got my transcripts, my passport photos, my final application was signed, I picked up my diploma early after coordinating with the registrars office and sent both it and my background check to Washington to be authorized.

But it also turns out that in the end it wasn’t a matter of how many hours, blood, sweat, and tears I had put in. It was out of my control.

The day, the very same day, that my background check and diploma arrived back from Washington I woke up to an email that said 2 things:

1. My recruiting company’s server had failed and I was supposed to have received this email last Wednesday.
2. They are sorry but the program informed us that they are no longer accepting documents. You will not be able to work during this intake and you have to wait until the next one in February.

6 months is a long time.

Part of me is devastated. I’m embarrassed because I’ve told everyone that I was moving in to Korea August and now I’m moving back home. I could be really angry at my recruiter who basically screwed me over (pardon my french) but for some reason I’m not. Maybe that will come.

I’ve had a few days to process this not and I’m starting to see how maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the end of the world.

In 6 months I could study Korean much more seriously and I’ll be in a better position to get a good teaching placement since I already have all my documents. I could actually spend time with my family before moving across the world for who knows how long, I get another Thanksgiving and Christmas at home. I could travel, I could finally have the time to write more and read more. I could let myself relax.

There’s an artist I really love called Frank Turner and he has a lyric that says, “I’m afraid I’ve been running round so long I’ve forgotten how to stand.” And I feel that, I am genuinely afraid to slow down. I’m afraid to lose the purpose that my life has now. I’m afraid of the low points I’ve been in before when I didn’t feel connected to my passions. I’m afraid because I have no idea what to expect.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that God has a plan for my life. I know all the kind but cliché things that people have been saying to me. I know.

“And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.”

I have always felt that the times God spoke to me it was in a still small voice, not obviously or clearly even, but just through a sense of peace. “Be still and know that I am God.” He says. I have not been still for a very long time. 

I’m not entirely sure this whole things has hit me yet. Delaying my “life” for 6 more months is not what I expected to be doing. But things are in the works and I know I won’t let myself get too bored. I’m planning to visit my friends in Korea for a few weeks to hold me over until February and then I’ll be driving around the southeast US to visit people as well.

When’s the next time I’ll have 6 months to do whatever I want? Probably never. So please stick around for a little bit of what ever I’m up to. Thanks for reading 🙂